IN time-honoured fashion, Aufona dusts off the crystal ball to look ahead to what will happen in the next 12 months. Tongue firmly lodged in cheek, Jim MacARTHUR...
January: Eminence grise Professor Brendan Glynane publishes a best-selling monograph on the Battle of Northampton revealing the battlefield was actually on the site of the Ikea in Milton Keynes.
February: #PCC Adam Simmonds unveils his first – and last – budget from the West Wing at Wootton Hall. Within 12 months the force will have shipped out to an empty warehouse in Grange Park as housebuilders move in.
March: Action Man Mikey Ellis completes his 27th constituency photocall of the year, this time being fired from a cannon over the lake at Billing Aquadrome. Burger purveyor Tony Ansell celebrates another austerity budget by the Chancellor by skipping off to purchase a 1963 Aston Martin DB5. “I see, I buy, I showboat” he whispered, gamefully.
April: County council election campaigning starts. The Lib Dems promise to finish a confident third in a two-horse race.
May: Two years away from the General Election, Binners finally reveals he plans to fight Northampton South. Journalists are left to assume its for the Conservative Party.
June: The Government passes draconian new legislation barring people who post comments on website from using pseudonyms. The Chron website goes strangely quiet. The Mack’s made an MBE in the Queen’s Birthday Honours. Lord Mack of Rectory Farm is but a decade away.
July: @LouiseMensch flies in from New York to sign copies of her latest bodice-ripper at a bookshop in Northampton. Make that copy.
August: Silly season time: Northampton toils under temperatures of 95F. The Lib Dems come second in a by-election. “Bayo” signs up for Strictly Northampton.
September: #PCC Simmonds breaks ranks to appoint UKIP’s Jim MacARTHUR as a media attack dog. Jim tells reporters: “I’ve put it all behind me, I’m not bitter, I couldn’t be more excited about working for Adam”.
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